It’s weird how you can have someone in your life every day for a long period of time, then in a few short moments, they’re no longer there. It’s really hard to adjust to such an abrupt change, and you find yourself trying to find an excuse to find out how they’re doing. But deep down, you don’t want to know because the more you know, the more it hurts. To go from knowing the most intimate and routine things in their life to not even having a clue what they’re doing on a daily basis is unnerving. It makes one feel discarded, hurt, and used, like you were only a passing filler in a period of their lives. The temptation to text is so strong because you know as soon as it goes, it arrives. Instantaneous communication. And yet, there is no reason to initiate conversation as it’s been made perfectly clear that there is no room for you anymore. Life has moved on without you.
I haven’t been sleeping well this week. I’ve had vivid dreams that I don’t want to have. My mind won’t stop working and I feel as though I have regressed 3 weeks. Everything feels as fresh as it felt the day after. I find myself wishing for a story-book ending, but knowing it won’t happen.
Love, in it’s purest form, is the most incredible thing on this earth to me, and yet, it can also be the most hurtful. I want to be over it. I want to will myself out of loving him. I want to be moved on and OK. I want to not hurt anymore, to not think about him anymore. I want to be strong and independent, but sometimes, it’s just hard.