The last few weeks have held a lot of ups and downs but this morning I woke up with a lot of clarity. Well, actually I woke up sleepy and groggy, but once awake, I felt like I really could see and feel better again. It’s amazing how taking a day to really refocus on what’s true and important in my life, to re-balance and allow for rest and acknowledge that I can’t make some things in life just happen, but I can take what comes to me and try to handle it with grace, humility, maturity and ultimate joy and that can make a world of difference.
With the amazing support of some very dear, very important, and very patient and loving friends in my life, I have been able to be carried through the pain of a relationship ended and come out on the other side ready to embrace the next chapter in my life.
I turn 30 in less than a month and it has a lot of positive and negative emotions attached to it. I have learned so much in my life over these past thirty years, and I have truly become a woman that I, myself, am proud of.
I cannot live my life wondering how I can be better for someone else, or trying to change my body for someone else. I won’t let myself feel compared to anyone else. I won’t ever again let a man make me feel (even if inadvertently) like I wasn’t good enough for him, because I know truth and I have so many people who mirror that truth to me on a (nearly) daily basis. I cannot change people, and I cannot heal their brokenness. I can only accept and love them, as openly and honestly as I can, hoping that they will be strong enough to love me back. But if they won’t, I cannot blame myself for this. And I will not change my ability to always hope for the best or my vulnerability in my relationships because it brings depth to my life. It’s not my responsibility to convince someone of my worth, of my abilities, of my unique qualities. I must simply trust that as I continue on in my life, challenging myself, learning new things, being surrounded by quality people, that I will ultimately be joyful and happy.
This morning I was reminded of the words I have permanently tattooed on my body:
“Living in grace
Growing in faith
Safe in love”
I wrote that phrase for some very personal reasons, and I put them on my body so that in times like these, I would see them and be reminded of those reasons. I am safe in love, now and forever. Whatever the future holds.