Have you ever been in love?

My best friend sent me a quote tonight that she thought I might relate to because I’m having a horrible week. She was right. Below is the quote:

Have you ever been in love?
Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different than any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘Maybe we should just be friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts.  Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”  – Neil Gaiman

This quote fits my life exactly right now. I despise love, even though I want it in my life. I hate that I made myself vulnerable to someone and he encouraged me to be more and more vulnerable with him, then, when it became “hard” for him, he just threw in the towel and crushed my heart into a million pieces. How can you equally love, miss, and hate someone all at the same time? How can you sit in his parking lot for 15 minutes trying to decide if you should do anything because you’re dying to know how he’s doing, did he finish school, is he painting, or does he miss you? How can you loathe yourself for doing/thinking just that? How can it have been 3 months and still feel emotions this strongly? I hate everything about love these days. I can’t imagine moving on to anyone else for a long time. Sure, people might speculate that we weren’t together long enough for me to be this upset, but do they really understand the depth? No. Do they understand the background? No. Do they understand where I was at in my life? No. Do they honestly know who I am at the core? No. Fine. Piss off then.

I can only hope and pray that next week is….better, at the least.


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