Emotional breakdowns all over the place

This week has just been kicking my ass all over the place: emotionally, physically, mentally. I keep trying to be positive, I keep trying to tell myself that it’s not about the short game, but about the long-term, and yet, I still can’t help but feel completely exhausted and not incredibly optimistic.

Tonight’s WOD pushed me to the limit, or at least to my emotional limit. I didn’t finish, and it wasn’t scaled back for me. For the first time, I yelled “time” even though I hadn’t completed my five rounds. I had only completed four, and I was still a good minute or more behind everyone else. I felt so awkward. I didn’t know if I should just keep going, looking like the weak link and making everyone stay and look at me, or if I should just call it quits. I hated being the last person, but what’s worse was being the SUPER late last person. It was awful. All I wanted to do was bolt out of that gym, and that’s exactly what I did. I gave my weight to the trainer for my squat clean, grabbed my keys and phone and basically ran out the door, choking back the tears.

I had been fighting like hell this week to stay positive, to stay focused, to stay strong, and tonight I just couldn’t do it anymore. Emotions everywhere. I feel like anything and everything that could kick me when I’m down has done just that this week. Each workout this week has just made me feel incredibly weak, each look in the mirror has brought back insecurity, each thought of him has brought back incredible loneliness and pain, each attempt at hope has just brought disappointment.

Guys, I’m frustrated. I’m hurt. I’m tired, I’m lonely, I’m sad, and I’m sore. And it’s only Wednesday. Right now, all I can hope for is strength: mental, physical, and emotional, to keep going through this rough spell and to make it out on the other side the happy and hopeful Becca that I know myself to be.

Goodnight.

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