As I lay here in the guest bed at my friend’s house in Milwaukee, my heart is filled with joy, love, laughter, and a tinge of aching.
About a month ago, I received a call from one of my best girlfriend’s (from college) husband asking if I would want to fly to Milwaukee to surprise her for her baby shower. I immediately jumped at the chance and within two days, I had my flights booked. I hadn’t seen her in two years, and was incredibly excited to spend four days with her. I landed in Milwaukee on Thursday and it’s been non-stop laughing, talking, and simply hanging out ever since.
Melissa and I have always had a wonderful friendship. We’ve never really had drama or difficult issues to overcome. Her husband and I also get along really well, and he has included me in some pretty important moments (like when he bought her engagement ring and told me before he asked her!). Even though we haven’t lived in the same state in 8 1/2 years, and have only seen each other 3-5 times since then, our friendship always feels just as close and just as natural as when we were two college gals living in a small town in Southern Illinois.
Being out here for the past couple of days has been such an amazing experience for me. While we haven’t really “done” much, the time we’ve spent together has been priceless. Simply sitting at the kitchen table with her and her husband for 4 hours yesterday morning chatting, drinking coffee, and eating pancakes was the best 4 hours of my entire week. I am so proud of both of them: who they’ve become, where they’re at in life, the maturity of their relationship, etc. I love them both dearly and cannot wait to meet the new little life who will be joining their family in February.
If I’m so happy and full of love, then why am I aching? Well, being around these amazing people gives me such a beautiful real-life picture of what I long for in my life. I try to tell myself that being single is nice, that having my freedom is special, that I’m still young and figuring everything out, but the truth is that I don’t really believe any of that. I’m done with being single. While I appreciate my freedom, I would rather give some of it up in order to share my life with someone I love fully. And finally, yes, I am young in the grand scheme of life, but I’m at that point where I know myself really well, and the parts that are left to discover and figure out, I want someone by my side while I do that. Yeah, I still have things to work through, hurts to overcome, trust issues to resolve, but I want to find the person who will work through them with me, who will show me, prove to me that love is there, that I am lovable, that the thing I have longed for and waited for for so, so long really exists for me, and that it is right.
I have truly loved two men in my life. I gave each of them a part of my heart, a big part. I loved them both passionately and fiercely but also in very different ways. But they have both broken my heart into a million pieces. Twice, I have had to glue my heart back together and hope that it would be strong enough for the next love that came to it. I feel like I am ready to test the strength of my heart now from its shattering in May, but it must be for the right guy. I don’t want to play games. I don’t want to “date around”. I want to find “the one” which sounds ridiculously cheesy and corny, but it’s true. I want to fall in love and wake up every day after choosing to be in love with that same man again and again. I hope and pray that he’s out there, and that we meet soon……..