Whole30 day 25

Today was a lazy day. Nothing too spectacular in the food department, mostly a lot of eggs.

Ginger and I went across the lake to the Mercer Slough to meet up with a couple friends this evening and walk around. It was a nice evening for a walk, but being there was difficult as the last time I was there was with my ex. It’s crazy to me that a year and a half later, I still can miss him so deeply, and the memories are so vivid. I want to be over him, I want to not care about him anymore, but I just….can’t.

Why do I get so attached to people? I would usually call this a great quality, something I pride myself on, but when it causes so much pain, I have to wonder if it’s worth it. I know people probably think I’m crazy or stupid for still caring about him, some probably speculate that I just want a relationship too much, but it’s not just the relationship I miss, it is him specifically. It’s the way he loved my dog as if she were his own, it was the way he taught me new things, and had faith in me that I could do them, the way his personality blended masculinity and artistry at the same time, the way only he could make me giggle like I didn’t have a care in the world, and the way he kissed me.

I wish I could say that I never want to see him again, but the truth is, sometimes, I hope that he’ll come back to me even though I know it’s not realistic. I wish I could say that I believe I’ll love like that again with another man, but it’s hard to imagine. I wish that there were other men like him out in the world, but I’ve been hard-pressed to find one thus far.

I’m sorry that tonight’s post is such a downer, but it’s just been that kind of evening for me and this is my outlet. Maybe tomorrow I’ll find my happy, bouncy self again.

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