Lately, I’ve had this nagging feeling that I have a lot on my mind, and yet, I can’t really put words to it. It’s quite frustrating actually. I go to write or speak and just get a blank whiteboard in my brain. So, I’m just going to keep typing and hope that something comes out that makes sense at some point or at the least that my mind and heart feel at rest.
I’ve been trying to be intentional about spending time with creative people lately which has been really inspiring, but also a little sad because I’ve realized that I don’t actually have a lot of people in my life with the same creative passions as I have. Now, I absolutely love the people I have and I have no plans of getting rid of them and I also love that we are different, that different things inspire us, but I think I definitely want to try and connect with people who share some of those same interests, who get just as excited as I do over a particular chord change in a song, or one line in an entire song or poem, or watching an amazing dance performance.
One thing that can be challenging is that I
can be am a really obsessive person. Once I find something that I am interested in, it’s very difficult to get me to focus on much else. I still don’t know if this is good or bad but it’s who I am. Because of this, I get teased a lot by my friends with comments about “here we go again” and eye rolls when I bring up the same subject 15 times in a 1/2 hour period. I get it, it’s hard when you’re not the one who’s into it, but it’s also frustrating for me because I want people to share this stuff with me and they just….well…..don’t. I am trying to be more conscience of how much I talk about one particular subject with the people who are around me the most because I don’t want to be that annoying person, but I do need to find outlets to express my inspirations/obsessions.
And that brings up a question that came up when I was talking to BFF. Can you be inspired without being obsessed? Or vice-versa? Do the two naturally go hand-in-hand? And how to handle it? How do you stand up for yourself when you want to do something so out of the ordinary that everyone around you tries to immediately talk you out of it because it either makes them uncomfortable or because it’s not along their tastes?
I know that I am naturally an independent person, someone who has her own opinion and confidence, but I can’t help also knowing that somewhere, back in my formative years, something happened to make me fearful of losing connection with the people who meant the most to me. And that has led to a major conflict in my person. More often than not, I have found myself giving up pieces of me or characteristics of myself in order to maintain connections with other people in my life. And what I’m learning is that selflessness does not equal giving up or changing who I am at my core.
One thing I’m really trying to focus on lately is having a positive attitude, and more importantly a positive reaction to people. I’ve become such a sarcastic and biting person over the last few years, and it’s kind of gotten out of control. I can really cut people with my words when I want to and I really hate that about myself. I want to be someone who brings light and happiness to people, not making them self-conscience or feeling like an idiot. I want to be open to experiences and opportunities. And I want to receive that positivity from people around me as well.
Well, that was a lot of random thoughts. I’m going to post and go to bed and read it again in the morning. I like to give myself time after I do a ‘brain dump’ before I go back and read it. I find that it helps me see myself clearer. 🙂 Goodnight world.