Today is one of those glorious Saturdays where the sun is shining, there’s a breeze to the air, cutting the heat to where you just need slippers on your feet and a light jacket in order to sit outside (which is what I am currently doing). With no plans until early afternoon, the morning is completely for me, my coffee and my laptop. After a 20 minute morning yoga routine, I feel, well, sweaty first, but also relaxed, energized and balanced. I feel like my mind is clear and I’m able to transpose the myriad of thoughts running amok in my brain into cohesive thoughts on
To say this week was rough is an understatement. This week was a challenge in mental strength and self-love. Remember that beautiful post I wrote reveling in my growth and development past my last ex? Those feelings were completely stripped away from me this week when I received a friend request from him via Facebook and consequently saw that he is now in a relationship. While the desire to not be with him is still true, I know I want someone different, someone more emotionally mature and who has their shit together. The insecurities of inadequacy have been running rampant through my veins, plummeting my mood to the very depths of bitterness and self-hatred, leaving the question of “why wasn’t I good enough?” constantly assaulting the forefront of my mind. My instincts kicking in and leaving me to lash out at whatever was closest to me in an effort to control some small part of my world, to alleviate this feeling of helplessness and anger.
I have worked so hard over the last few years to shed those negative feelings, to build myself up and to allow myself to be vulnerable with others and most importantly with myself. The thought of him being able to take that away in a mere moment is unnerving at best and infuriating at worst. To learn how to live in thebalance between your insecurities and self-love is the most challenging of all lessons. I don’t want to be someone who proclaims I’ve got all my shit together and am on top of the world, but neither do I want to allow hate to consume my heart and break me down into a fraction of who I am. And in the midst of this balance, I have to figure out how I need to be loved and convey that to the people around me because I can’t do any of this alone.
I still feel the sting of rejection and pressure of comparison but I know day by day, I can make decisions for myself that remind me of how incredibly worthy of love I am. I can surround myself with friends who care greatly about me, and build me up when I want to sink. I can revel in simple moments of pleasure (like when Ginger just got tangled up in my computer cord and looked adorable) and continue to intentionally give myself experiences that give me life.
Each day is a new opportunity to learn, to love, to give freely and to grow.