Owning who I am

For a long time, I’ve run away from myself. I’ve been ashamed, confused, arrogant, broken and hot-headed…..among other things. And I could sit here and list out every reason why I’ve felt all of those things, and justify them like a well-crafted essay. But, what’s the point? Why justify negative behavior when I have the strength and perseverance to change it?

In 2015, I set out to have as many amazing experiences as I could for the sheer enjoyment of life. But, what I didn’t count on was the many (MANY) ways in which those experiences would change me as a person. From the inside out.

I’ve never kept it a secret that I see a therapist and have been seeing her for 3+ years now. I am a firm believer in mental health and seeking resources to assist in changing your life. It has been the biggest constant in my life that has allowed all the other experiences to permeate my thoughts and to inspire change. It’s because of the foundations I’ve been creating over the past three years that this year has been a rapid building of a masterpiece (yes, yes I did just refer to myself as a masterpiece).

I’m going to side-track for a minute, but it’ll all relate in the end. There’s a lot of construction going on around me in the city, and it’s always funny how for so long, there appears to just be a large hole in the ground. For months and months, it feels like you’re just staring at the same ugly void. You can’t see what’s going on and it makes you question if the people are actually working or just hanging out in said hole. And then, out of nowhere, you blink and there’s a 5 story building standing firm and tall on a solid foundation. Now, I don’t know a ton about the construction world, but my guess is that during that “hole” time, there’s so much being done, but it’s all little things, underneath things, support, structure, planning, and guarding things. Once all that tedious work is complete, the actual building is easier and can be built rather quickly because of the foundation it’s sitting on.

That’s kind of how I feel. I feel like I’ve been putting forth a lot of effort in myself that just felt like a lot of hard, tedious work that resembled a giant hole in the ground with nothing to really “prove” that I was getting better. Sure, every few months I’d have a mind-blowing “AH HA!” moment, but mostly, it was just week in, week out, showing up and talking. And sometimes crying, sometimes yelling. It got pretty frustrating at times (and still does), but I think this year, especially the last 6 months, I’ve finally begun to see the “above ground” piece of the puzzle. I’ve finally been seeing the changes that I’ve worked so hard for. I’ve actually seen my own growth and I’ve been slowly learning to trust myself, love myself, respect and forgive myself for all of those things. It’s been incredibly overwhelming and joyous at the same time. And there’s a lot of freedom in this space which is quite terrifying.

For a long time, I ran off of no confidence, or a false sense of confidence. For the first time in my life, I think the areas that I do (and am learning to) feel confident in are coming from a genuine place of growth and knowledge. And there’s humility woven in-between the threads of confidence because I’ve worked for it. I’ve worked hard. I can genuinely listen to people and have my thoughts and opinions, give them bluntly if asked, but also step back and recognize that it’s ultimately their decision, their life.

I know this post is a bit disjointed, but, hey, that’s me right now. I can feel change happening, I feel more change coming. I feel happy and excited and nervous. I also feel content and thankful and really, really proud. My life….is quite beautiful and I am happy to finally, fully be owning…who I am.

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