The greatness of me

I read a beautiful poem by Adrian Michael on his Instagram page the other day that resonated deeply with me, with my year, and all the things that are changing and shifting in my world:

“She does what she needs to do to better herself. That phase of letting things, people and situation get the best of her was an old chapter. This chapter is about her and her greatness. If you’re not helping her grow she will show you the door (she may even stop you before you try to knock).” – Adrian Michael

I’ve been reflecting a lot on who I am, who I used to be and all the roads I’ve taken to get from point A to point B. I know I’m not done growing, changing, evolving, or learning, but I also know that I have put a lot of work into myself, and this may be the first time in my life that I am so unbelievably comfortable and proud of who I am. Yeah, I still have issues and insecurities. I still feel hurt and pain from rejection. I still struggle with a thousand tiny flaws, but there is also much that I truly admire about myself and I thought I’d give myself a little self-love post today, reflecting on the greatness of…..me.

Body image has always been a major issue with me, and I’m not going to pretend that it doesn’t still bother me, but overall, I can say that I don’t let my body stop me as much anymore. Would I like to be fitter and have more access to clothing stores? Yes, but sometime in the past year, I let go of pain and shame and embraced the fact that I make choices every day, some good and healthy, some not. I’ve learned to dress my body better with less options, and I’ve embraced my love of accessories and makeup to showcase my personality. Just because I may be the biggest girl in a twerk class (this happened last weekend), it didn’t stop me from shaking my body all over that room, because my body functions just like everyone else’s. I don’t apologize for my body any longer. And I recognize that hating it is only hurting myself. Now, when I’m in our break room at work, or casually meeting friends for dinner and overhear people talking calories and guilt, I simply shrug it off and feel grateful that my mental being is clear and free from those poisonous thoughts.

Self-care in general has really become something that I am getting really good at. I’ve created a few habits that work well for me, and those routines make it easier for me to draw clear boundaries for myself. I have to admit though, sometimes, it startles me how easily I take care of myself these days. Actually following through on the decision can be challenging still, and I have to fight through some people-pleasing guilt, but the more I do it, and the more I recognize that people will be fine and get over it, the more naturally it comes to me. Recognizing that I can’t be of any good to anyone else if I haven’t been good to myself has been the biggest life lesson I’ve learned. I have to come first. I am my first priority and when I have done those things to love myself, create space for myself, centered myself, and have been honest with myself, only then can I be the friend that I was made to be. The centered and whole girl who is truly adored by incredible people.

Being 34 and still single also has its ups-and-downs that I have fought over and over. I’ve always wanted a relationship from the time I first looked at a boy and realized they were cute. I think a lot of it is just part of my make up, as I like committed relationships in my friends as well, but I know there’s a host of familial issues that feed into this need/want as well and I have a love/hate relationship with the fact that I’ve never had a relationship longer than 6 months. In a lot of ways, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would not be who I am if I had been in long-term relationships earlier in my life. It took me a long (LONG) time to learn how to embrace independence and individuality in a healthy way, to separate survival from wholeness. But I still yearn for someone to go to sleep with and wake up next to. And I still feel pain and rejection when I meet someone who doesn’t want to be that person with me. It takes a lot of energy for me to continuously remind myself that it’s not me, that it’s either them or a combination of incompatibility that they feel. That truth doesn’t come easily to me and I can never understand how they don’t see me as the incredible woman I am. Logically, I know that each person sees things differently, and that in one or two dates, they cannot possibly begin to know even a fraction of the million different things I am, but it always crushes me when they don’t even want to try. Regardless, I have to keep moving forward. Maybe someday a man who I am interested in will be interested back, but my life won’t be based on that hope. And thus, when I feel rejection, I have to remind myself of all the ways in which I am incredible, all of who I am.

I am resilient
I am strong
I am soft
I am light
I am home
I am love
I am independent
I am curious
I am persistant
I am happy
I am passionate
I am caring
I am loyal
I am protective
I am sensual
I am perceptive
I am professional
I am smart
I am a survivor
I am creative
I am adventurous
I am giving
I am fun
I am organized
I am communicative
I am grateful
I am feminine
I am opinionated
I am spiritual

I am so multi-dimensional that most people can’t even begin to comprehend me
But to those who try, they are rewarded with the greatness of me…..

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