Sometimes I wonder if I’m being primed for something. I wonder if my life has unfolded in this way because of a great, master plan, or was it all just a series of choices, like a pinball bouncing off various obstacles until it finds its final home. I have too much faith to believe that it’s all just random. I have to believe in something bigger. I just do. Call me spiritual, a dreamer, delusional or a hopeless romantic, but I cannot contain the hope that bubbles in my soul when I feel potential changes happening. But it starts to freak me out when I can look back behind me and see a pattern of events that seem to make a positive trajectory.
My life has really taken the slow route in nearly everything. I’ve mentioned before that I did everything later in life (except get cancer…..too soon?). But, I find it really interesting as I peruse over the things I’ve done/accomplished, I see that I’ve taken this winding, gradual route of self-discovery that has afforded me an incredibly unique view on life.
A few weeks ago, I woke up with the thought that I was ready to move on from therapy. That scared the shit out of me, because normally the thought of NOT having therapy as a weekly occurrence scared the shit out of me, and now, here I was feeling like I was done with it. Did that make me even more crazy? Or, by chance, had I actually spent an adequate amount of time getting to know myself, dealing with my issues, learning about the world around me and accepting all of it to venture off into the world sans therapist? It was a startling thought.
But as I look at people who constantly fill up their lives as a means to bury their own issues, to ignore dealing with their own pain, but ultimately end up flaking on commitments, I have to wonder if maybe, just maybe, I’ve done it right. Yeah, I’ve been pretty damn self-centered the past four years. And you know what? I have zero regrets. NOT. ONE. I needed this time to deal with myself and since I’ve granted myself the time, energy, and space, now I can move on to investing some of those things in other places/people and know that I am fully capable of committing to them, because I know my own limits, what I need, what works for me, etc. I have explored everything on my own first, I have decided what things make me happy, I have really analyzed what I want to devote my resources to, and I have reconciled my career to my personal life. I’ve owned my decisions. I’ve made a damn good life for myself and now I can fully go out and pour back into the world around me in a meaningful way. And I feel damn good about that.
I’m really proud of myself and who I’ve become. I’m proud that I’ve taken the steps that so many are afraid to take. I’m happy that I don’t let fear stop me. I’m happy that even on my own, I move forward.
It’s really interesting that I found this post sitting in my drafts (yes, I’m still trying to get through all the drafts I have partially finished and publish them). This was written nearly two years ago and oddly enough, seemed pretty complete to me. I’m unsure why I never posted it. As a conclusion to that story, I didn’t end up stopping my weekly therapy sessions then. I discussed it with my therapist, and thought about it a lot, and determined there were still things I wanted to work through with her. I continued seeing her up until I moved from Seattle. Hindsight and all, I was definitely being primed for changes in my world and I can see so many of them unfolding now. It’s thrilling and terrifying and wondrous and I am filled each day with a thousand emotions and questions for tomorrow.
I do find it ironic because I’ve been thinking about fate/faith a lot lately since I’ve moved and if it’s just a silly notion or not. I’ve never been a person to live completely by that “what will be will be” mentality because I watched too many people live miserable lives waiting for something “to be”. I think people tend to use faith (especially religion) as a scapegoat for their laziness. I knew from a very young age that I would spend my life persisting for the life I wanted, to ensure I would be happy and taken care of, open to exploring new opportunities. But, as much as I would love to credit everything to myself, I’m humble enough to admit I’ve had a good amount of help along the way and a lot of situations where “fate” or “something bigger” seemed to be at play. It’s those moments, situations, gut feels and outcomes that fuel that internal flame of hope inside of me and truth be told, I love being a person who believes in something more. I don’t want to be a cynical person, never believing in what cannot be seen.
I think the best I can settle on right now is that, for me, life a combination of all of it: Fate, faith, persistence, choices. I’ve had enough shitty situations in my life to leave me reasonably pragmatic but I am someone who’s naturally a dreamer, who believes in gut-feels, a romantic at heart. Sometimes I’m spot-on, other times, way off. I love believing the best about people, and hate when some of them prove how much they can hurt me. Sometimes I’m equally as shocked when something does work out as when something doesn’t work out the way I felt it would. I admit that I love the whimsical belief in happy endings and everything working out just the way it should, and I hate the crushing reality when it’s simply not that way. Ultimately, I simply have to accept that I hold this life in an open palm, allowing things to come and go, to be fluid. I cry when I’m sad, I laugh when I’m happy, I crawl through windows when doors are locked, and scream when I’m frustrated. To quote a line from one of my favorite poems by Savannah Brown:
“And if I could go back and change what I’ve done
I’d tell myself it’s fine to feel all of it and then some
Be an authority on appetite instead of apathy
Find out that passion makes you vulnerable
But that’s sort of the point”