Bruised

Dating is such a frustratingly painful process. And maybe that’s just for me because I allow myself to feel completely, but even the most cordial of endings still leaves me sad and bruised.

I’m so tired of being the girl for good times and casual conversations, and not the girl for getting serious with. I’m tired of feeling like it’s me, that I’m the one that’s not good enough. As many times as I remind myself that it’s the guy who isn’t ready for commitment or isn’t interested in me for long-term, it doesn’t remove the hurt, the feelings of inadequacy.

I’m sad. I thought this time was different, that it could actually go somewhere serious. Instead I heard the familiar words “I don’t believe in traditional titles” and “I just want to be happy” and “I’m not looking for anything serious” and it’s the same song as so many before. Do men not believe that we haven’t heard it all before? Why can’t they just call it what it is. They’re just not interested in me. They want to play, they want the easy, no-consequences casual sex “situations”. For lack of a better cliché, they want their cake and to eat it too.

Well, I want something too. I want to come home to the same person every day. I want to love someone completely. I want to be able to be messy with someone as well as all the good stuff. I want commitment, love and security. I want to build a life with someone. I want to share memories. I want to just…exist with another person. Normal.

The only positive I’m taking from this is that my trajectory for standing up for myself to these kinds of guys is upward sloping. They’ve both been cut off around the 4 month mark when I’ve started really investing time and feelings and decided I needed to know where things were heading. When forced to have the conversation, they shared their lines and I clearly told them that that was not what I wanted and that we should end things now.

When I started writing about 2018, I knew that I was done pretending like I didn’t want a relationship, and committed to just putting it out there to the guys I meet. I’m not going to be used anymore. You’ll read more about this in my 2018 post coming soon. For now, I’m just going to feel sad for a couple days.

To him, I wish we could have worked. We had so much in common I thought it was a given. I liked you a lot. I liked a lot of parts of you that I’m not even sure you realized you showed me. Thank you for your great conversation, your inquisitive questions, and great listening skills. Thank you for your advice when I asked for it and your calm disposition. Thank you for having hard conversations with me. Please, don’t be afraid to love people, because while people can be unpredictable and sometimes cause a world of hurt, they can also be the most amazing additions to your life.  I wish you all the best. Xoxo

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