I have a secret. A secret I hate talking about. A secret that makes me sad. I am 35 years old and a man has never told me he loves me. Ever.
Just typing it out brings me shame and sadness. I feel like it’s my fault, though I don’t know why. I’ve had a couple guys get close to saying it, one even talking around it to me, asking me to not ask him to say it. He broke up with me a week later. It was single-handedly one of the worst days of my life. I gave him the space he needed, I never forced him to say it, and instead of being strong and working through his issues to get to that point himself, he just chose to let me go. He broke my heart. He broke me. That was six years ago, and it still haunts me. I don’t miss him specifically, but I still feel the fear and hurt from that situation.
I’ve written before about my dating history. I’ve written about my family history. So, I’m not repeating everything here, but fuck, I’m really tired of waiting. I am so god-damn sick and tired of waiting for some man to realize that I am amazing. That I am worthy of love. Sure, I’m completely loved by my close friends. I’m loved by my mother. The rest of my family? Eh, I’m not sure of. They can say the words, but were any of them there when I was going through chemo? Do any of them ever reach out to me about my life? I am so sick of begging people to love me. I did it with friends in Seattle for years and I am done. I cut parts of my family off years ago, and those friends are now in the list too. But fuck. I am not a horrible person. I am not someone who runs away and just treats people like shit. But yes, I do get hurt. And I get hurt very often by the people who were supposed to be the very people who were supposed to love me unconditionally so I would hope that men understand that my need for love is born out of a natural need to be loved. Is it more than “normal” girls? Sure, I guess. Depending on your definition of normal. I think we all have our weak points, and yes, mine is most likely wanting to be loved. But is that a bad thing? I sure as hell don’t think so.
I just…I’m sad. I just don’t understand why I can’t be loved. I don’t understand what is so wrong with me that allows people to walk away? Why is there not a person who wants to roll out a red carpet and let me walk on it, just to make me feel special? I feel like I will never be the girl who is picked. I will never hear the words and feel the love of a man. My father sure as hell didn’t know how to love, so maybe it’s just a part of my destiny, that I will never know.
The biggest downside with my move to Michigan is that everyone over the age of 30 here is in a relationship, and while I’m not ready to settle, it really, really makes me sad. I am strikingly alone. And it’s never more obvious than during the holidays, which is why I usually leave the country. Reminder to myself for next year, leave town. Leave the country. Forget everything.
I’m just so tired of being sad.