Last weekend, I bought a new car. Finally. And I do mean, a brand new car. It was terrifying and exhilarating. I had spent all winter praying that my car would make it, promising myself that 2018 would be the year to finally upgrade. But as it warmed up and spring finally sprung, I kept pushing it off. I casually researched and tried to learn about features, years, models and price points. I tried to be practical and I asked for a lot of advice from people. But finally, last Friday night, after watching countless YouTube videos of test drives, I closed my computer and made up my mind.
The next day, I went to the dealership and six hours (!!!) later, I drove off in a brand new Nissan Rogue. I’m not even going try and play it cool. It’s beautiful! And it feels like a spaceship compared to my old Mazda. There are enough bells and whistles to keep me occupied for years. I could live in that car. And while a part of me still wants to berate myself for buying new versus used, I get a thrill every time I see my odometer or realize that I’m the only person who’s ever been in it.
It’s interesting looking back and seeing my growth and maturity in the consumer division. I used to spend money so frivolously, and now, I try to make things last as long as possible or ensure that I’ve used up ALL options before buying more. The minimalist lifestyle appeals to me more and more, and I am constantly on the lookout for things I can get rid of.
And so, when it does come time for me to spend money on a necessary, albeit expensive, item, I can at least rest assured that it’s not money that I’m just casually throwing away, it’s a conscious, long-term commitment that I’m making.
In addition to buying a car last weekend, I also bought new bedding for myself since my down comfortable was just too hot for the warmer days. A nice, light grey quilt, a couple of pale blush throw pillows and my super soft sheets from my friend for Christmas, and my bed now feels fresh and clean. Honestly, it feels like a needed reset on my world.
It was as I was out driving around in my fancy new
spaceship car, casually redecorating my space, and having very adult conversations about dating that I had this moment of “holy shit am I grown up or what?!”. And not only am I grown up, but I am so (or at least mostly), confident of the decisions I make. I feel sure of myself. Sometimes I ask for opinions, advice or suggestions, but overall, I really just trust and rely on myself and it feels really amazing. I remember having this realization back when I first moved here, and how that journey across the country changed something inside of me, but it’s so exciting to see how real it’s manifesting in my every day life.
In an attempt at closure with the last guy I was seeing, I ended up in a two hour phone conversation hashing through the complexities of trying to date someone with an overwhelmingly demanding career. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t fun, but it at least provided both of us a chance to air some things out. And in the end, we agreed to just dial things back to friends for awhile and see what happens. In the meantime, I’ve gone out on a couple of dates with other guys last week and while they were fine, there was just no great chemistry.
As with everything else in my life currently, I seem to be taking it all in stride. I think it goes back to feeling sure of myself. I can see the caliber of men that I’m meeting and going out with, and that gives me great hope that one of them will prove to be a great match for me. Whatever energy I’m putting out into this world right now is some good stuff, and I just need to keep it going, which means, continuing to invest in myself, giving myself permission to be completely authentic, and not apologizing for who I am.
This weekend, I’m doing that by giving myself some much-needed down time, and also attending a poetry slam competition. I’ve done so many art exhibit openings since I’ve moved, but this will be my first poetry event, and I am ecstatic. Hopefully it will inspire some writing of my own in that down time that’s coming on Sunday.