Retrograde

Apparently it’s a thing. I don’t really follow horoscopes and the moon cycles, but I remember the last time I was feeling shitty, someone mentioned that we were in retrograde. And it just happened again tonight.

The past 6 days have been pretty hard for me. I wouldn’t say I’m in a depression per se, but I’m definitely feeling in some form of a funk. I feel like all the momentum and excitement I had just 2-3 weeks ago has completely evaporated and I’m sitting in a stale room trying to find the exit.

This week has been a week of just not feeling good enough. Of feeling stuck, punished, banished. And I feel guilty even saying that because for so long, I’ve been talking so often about how happy I am, how wonderful my new life has been, and those sentiments are still true in several key areas, but there are still places (mostly places that I have no control over) where I am not where I want to be. I feel in a bit of a holding pattern I guess, and holding patterns make me depressed. I’m not a girl who does circular movements well. I like forward. I like momentum and speed and moving in a clear direction.

I spent last weekend trying to convince myself to leave my apartment to do things. The only things I managed to leave the apartment for was the library and food, and those few things wiped me out. I was emotionally spent. Those feelings have spilled over into the week and while I’ve had some good things this week, they haven’t cut through the overall gloom.

How can this feeling of never being enough be such a constant battle? Am I simply insatiable and thus prone to having a life that will never feel fulfilled? Is it a mindset that I change? I’m not sure, but this week I’m just feeling extra lost and emotional. I’m mourning things that are changing, and trying to understand ideas that are in infant status. There are shifts in my relationships and I’m not quite sure where to go with them all. And I’ve planted so many seeds over the past couple of months that I want to start seeing some form of growth, some reward.

So, I really hope that this full moon on Friday finishes out this crappy week and gets me back into the swing of my life and kickstarts some good stuff.

“make choices that reflect the future you truly desire”

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