Holy cow. 2019. Can I just start this off by saying how freaking excited I am to get this year started?!?! (this was written in early November)
It’s now December 13th, and I have to be honest. My excitement has dwindled some. I had a bit of a…kerfuffle. Yes, that’s a word. When I was back in Seattle, one of the most exciting things that me and Bestie were going to do was our annual life-planning/white-boarding session where we plan the shit out of things and leave feeling like the amazing badasses we are. Well, that didn’t quite happen.
We settled into the perfect classroom at UW with the biggest whiteboards I had seen, and started writing out our 2018 accomplishments and then into our 2019 plans. This is where it all went wrong. As I looked at my 2018 section and I tried to write things for 2019, I was overtaken by this feeling of complete and utter blankness. All I could think was “I did SO much in 2018, 2019 doesn’t have a shot in hell of comparing. Nor should it because I don’t want to have that much happen again!” But also, it was this realization that I had accomplished nearly every milestone that I had on my “adult list”. I own a home, I bought a new car, I travel, I live a comfortable life, I’ve dealt with so many of my issues…etc. I just felt like “what else is there?” If I was living a “traditional” life, I would get married and have babies, but I’m anything but traditional. Getting married? Sure, I’d like to do that eventually, or at least be in a committed relationship. I’m not sure how important the paper is to me at this point, but I definitely want commitment and someone to share in the daily ins-and-outs of life, but babies? Nope. I have zero interest and it becomes so much more resolute in my mind with each year that passes. And if I’m honest, it makes me feel equally relived and broken at the same time. Relieved because when I was on the cusp of marrying/baby-making age, I waffled like “well, I know I don’t want babies now, but maybe down the road” but really, I was pretty confident that I didn’t want them. I’ve been alone for 30-something years, so sharing space with a tiny human that demands everything is NOT my idea of a good time. Broken because as a woman, especially a woman raised in the Midwest (and now back living in the Midwest), you feel like that’s what you were created to do. That’s what all women do. You want babies. You have babies. And so there will always be a part of me that wonders if something is wrong with me that I so strongly do not want children.
So, anyways, that’s where I am right now. Not quite ready for 2019 but ready to be done with the monumental year of 2018. Caught between something extraordinary and something unknown, soaring straight through until I find it.
For so long, my blog was just a place of escape, a place to write things down as a way of processing and then all of a sudden, it became a metric, a way of quantifying my life, and in so many ways, I loved it and it worked for me, and now…I don’t think it does anymore. I think there’s a wind-pattern shift and thankfully I’m adept at changing direction without too much
fuss meltdown (kinda…working on it).
2019 will be a different year of planning for me. I don’t have a lot on my list, but the things that are on it are extremely important, so I think this year will be a hyper-focused year on a handful of things, and the rest of life will be a practice of living in the present, of experiencing life. Even then, I don’t even think of this year as goals, I just think of it as themed intention. I’m hoping I’ll write more in the interim spaces, reflecting on the events that happen in my day-to-day life versus quarterly recaps.
Soar: Verb – Fly or rise high in the air; Maintain height in the air without flapping wings or using engine power; Increase rapidly above the usual level.
Career – it’s no longer about my job. What I’m building is my career, my professional legacy. I am in the perfect place to expand my knowledge and experience 10 fold, so I’m going to seize the opportunity and run with it. Doing this will require a lot of mental energy and potentially a lot of time investment, so I expect to spend a lot of time at this desk after hours. My cousin made an incredibly astute observation a few weeks ago when I was telling her about my life-planning meltdown. She said that it was probably no coincidence that I was able to get my house before switching jobs because the universe knew that I was going to need a place of solitude to retreat to after hard days at work, that I would need an office set up so that if there are days/weekends when I need to work, I can do so from the comfort of my own space. The irony of timing never fails to leave me gaping in wonder.
Relationship – This is a carry-over from 2018, but to be honest, I didn’t put a whole hell of a lot of effort into dating in 2018 because there was so much else going on. Once summer hit, I pretty much swore it off. If I can manage the time, I would like to make it a priority to get out there and meet people with the intention of dating and finding a life partner.
Family – I have a long, tumultuous history with my family. All of them. For the first time in 15 years, I am within driving distance to both of my parents, and my sister and I have agreed to try and repair our relationship. None of it will be easy. But I trust it will be worth it. I’m hoping to have a slow-and-steady approach.
The Side Hustle – So, fun fact. Over the past couple of months, when I’ve had conversations with people about life and career, there has been a consistent theme of the side hustle. Is this something everyone in their mid-to-late 30’s goes through? Or maybe it’s just my generation, but regardless, we’re all looking for something outside of the stable life we built. I could speculate that maybe it’s because our careers are monetarily fruitful but soulfully draining, but maybe it’s more or different for each person. I’m not 100% sure, but for myself, it’s true. My career is important, and I enjoy it. But it doesn’t get me pumped up in the mornings. However, it affords me the life that I am happy with, so instead of chucking it all to the wind, I want to see if I can add other dimensions to my world to round it all out. I don’t have to be the overachiever, but I can live a full life. So, in that regard, I’m going to start planning a couple of long-term projects: some sort of professional woman’s summit and a gathering place. No other details will be posted here until I get it ironed out and any names locked down because, you know, the internet.
Intentional Statements to aspire to in 2019:
“I feel best when…”
– I move my body 3 times a week
– My nails are done
– I have a fresh capsule wardrobe for each season
– My house is clutter-free and organized
– My hair is managed
– I’ve spent enough time alone recharging
– I’m traveling to new places regularly
– I have a good amount of money saved for unexpected things
– I’m having my thinking challenged by artistic measures or deep conversations
– When I am loved for being exactly who I am