37

My birthday has come and gone. We’re officially an hour past my born day. This year was hard. Really, really hard. For so many reasons.

My first year in Detroit, I simply understood that I knew no one here so I had prepared myself to just be alone. My second year here, I conveniently had an art dinner present itself as an opportunity to be out and about.

Yesterday marked my third year and boy was it…disappointing.

I’ve realized as of late, that the friends that I’ve made here just are not the level of friends that I need. But, the friends that I had in Seattle are changing in ways that I cannot keep up with, thus, I’m losing them in various ways. I feel completely stuck between everything I know and everything I want.

I took the birthday reminder off my facebook a couple years ago because I felt like it just fostered this dumb obligation of saying “happy birthday” to people who you didn’t even know, and then I realized how few people actually knew when my birthday was. This year, I received all of 2 posts for my birthday. One was my mom. #context

I distinctly remember being 21, living with roommates much older than me (a horrifying 26) and thinking “Man, I hope I’m not single like them when I’m 26”.  and here I am at 37. Single.

If I’m honest, I feel like a failure. I feel l like there is something inherently wrong with me. I feel like maybe I’ll die young, or don’t deserve long-term love, or can’t figure it out. I feel like if I had at least had SOME relationships, at least I would know I was capable, but the fact that I’ve only had one 6 month long boyfriend tells me that I am just…not seen. I’m invisible, or completely ignored by the male species. Sure, I’m good for sex or getting to my friends, but just me? Apparently not enough.

And I try. I try so hard. Not for anyone else, but I try for me. I try to work on myself, I try to improve on areas that I feel are lacking or need help. I work on self-confidence and believing in myself and for the most part, I am generally self-sufficient, but this week has entirely kicked my ass. I feel completely beaten down. I feel…defeated.

This was not a happy birthday. This was a lonely birthday. It was sad. It was quiet. It felt like a completely forgotten day. This next week in San Diego for work could not come at a better time for reflection.

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