On feeling exposed

Here I am, within this beautiful space where I can lose myself in my words, my feelings, and the space to create. Here I am allowed to babble and rant and rave to my heart’s content without knowing judgement or feeling shame. I am free, I can fly.

This week I was faced with a peek into a reality that I want, only to have it then  snatched away, and it was such a jarring experience that I feel raw today, laid open and vulnerable.

To feel loved, to be touched, to feel like you are the most important person to someone are emotions that I value beyond belief. Human relationships have always been so important to me, and I’m proud that as I’ve grown & developed, I’ve learned how to navigate the conversations of what I need and want, without feeling like I have to apologize. I know what I deserve.

But I wonder if I’m settling. I wonder if the friendships I’m making now will be worth anything in 3 years? I wonder if the men I give my time, body, and affection to now will have any regard for me in a month, six months or a year?

I have two friends that I adore, who I’ve had the privilege of hosting, but who always tend to make me feel more insecure than any of my other friends. In a weird fluke of scheduling, I ended up having a pseudo date/companion for a good portion of their trip and it was so incredibly wonderful that it made me ache so badly when it was over, when I was left in the early morning picking up pieces of a reality that I hate and facing a future that feels like it will never happen.

I don’t blame anyone. I’m not blind, nor do I think there are any games being played. I know the score, and I’ve knowingly walked into it with eyes open, but it doesn’t change the fact that there’s a person in this world who I have a solid connection with, who challenges me, who makes me laugh, who listens well, who is always honest with me, who loves dogs, and comforts me when I get too ancy in the car, who has now met my friends and had a good connection with them, where I had a taste of what it may feel like to not be single or a third wheel or a person concerned with what men were around. It was…beautiful. And just re-enforces the fact that I know I am a relationship person. It assures me that I do know myself & what I want. But it reminds me (cruelly) that I have no control over that desire/want/need being reciprocated & becoming my reality. In fact, the taste of it this weekend has been an incredibly hard pill to swallow. It has made me feel raw because it put everything I want right out on display for the world to see only to snatch it away from me each morning.

It’s not his fault, their fault, or mine. It just is. I don’t regret this weekend. It was such a beautiful time, but shit….it was hard on me. And I wouldn’t be honest with myself if I didn’t admit that my ego didn’t take a beating with the in-and-out.

So, what do I do? I’m not being taken for a ride or being played with. One of my favorite things about him is his honesty, and the fact that he’s been respectful of me the entire time we’ve known each other. The situation has been clear from him that he can give me sex, a casual friendship and a travel friend here and there, but there will never be anything else. I’ve accepted & agreed in so many words because the chemistry is good, the sex is great, & I adore him, so at least it’s better than nothing, but sometimes I wonder if it is? Honestly, I’ve probably always been secretly hoping that one time when he was with me, he’d realize how incredible I am and want to love me, but I’m processing the reality that he won’t, that he’s unwilling to have those feelings and make any commitments.  Ever.

My fight-or-flight nature kicks in here and tells me to run like hell, to shut down any further interaction, to protect my heart. I’ve already done this to him once. (God, I sound like a real nut job, huh?) The honest truth is that I hate ambiguity. I like clearly defined lines and roles. Hell, it’s what makes me a damn good accountant, but in the world of people I’ve learned that it’s not always like that. The challenging part is to know what relationships are worth the risk of ambiguity and which ones are not. I like having him in my life. I just hate how this part feels.

I don’t blame him or hold grudges. It’s all on me. I don’t really even know how to proceed, or what to do. I’ve been very intentional of not having expectations of him. I feel like I’ve handled it all so well up to this point. Mixing him into my world seems to have upended it. Especially because they liked him so much, they liked us together so much.

I have no answers tonight. I don’t know when I will. I guess maybe this is my way of accepting ambiguity a little while longer, while hoping like hell I don’t shatter at the end.

 

 

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